it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
