I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
