Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
