1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
