I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
