i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
