i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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