A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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