just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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