What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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