Apparently you make a good broom.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
