You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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