I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
