Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
