I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
