I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
