omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
