nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
