Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
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