It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
