Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
