Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
