youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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