It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
