Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize