you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
