just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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