Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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