Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
