If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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