Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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