he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
