I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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