she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
