my vag is so smooth its legendary
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize