remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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