He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
