Already got asked if we're dating
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
