You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
