my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
