You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
