Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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