I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
