the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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