What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
