we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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