I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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