sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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