So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
