Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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