I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
