You're my little dorito
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So many bounce houses so little time
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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