im six kinds of drunk right now
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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