I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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