Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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