WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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